The Style Invitational Week 859 Can't goods
Saturday, March 6, 2010; C02
YOU CAN talk with your hands
BUT YOU CAN'T tyjpe w8th y4ohufr
el;bo9ws.
(Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg)
If they can _______, why can't they
________?
If you _______, they will ______.
You can _______, but you can't _______.
It's not the _______, it's the ______.
Mining the Invite archives
from 1996: Cast a joke in one of the forms listed above, as in the example, the
winner from Week 188. We are looking for original humor; we do not want to see
driveways and parkways, or heat and stupidity.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins what's bound to be one of
the most coveted in the contest's history: Loser Larry Yungk had this key chain
custom-made by a metalwork craftsman at the Lumphini Night Bazaar in Bangkok.
It cost him about $3 plus plane fare.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, March 15. Put "Week 859" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 3. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's
results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Chris Doyle.
Report From Week 855, in which we asked you to write a poem summarizing, or at least musing
upon, an article or ad that appeared in The Post Feb. 6-15: That was the week
of the Super Bowl, the "tea party" convention and, of course, snow
snow snow.
THE WINNER OF THE INKER
Tom Tancredo's outrageous
speech at the tea party convention:
Tancredo's recent tea-bag
rant
Was so downright embarrassin'
That other fonts of
right-wing cant
Are Palin in comparison.
(David Smith, Santa Cruz,
Calif.)
2. the winner of the $100
trillion bill (Zimbabwean):
John Mayer's Playboy
interview in which he said his sex organ was a "white supremacist":
Higgledy piggledy,
Singer John Mayer -- his
Interview made him sound
Crude, oversexed.
Even more shocking than
Genito-racism:
Readers of Playboy do
Look at the text.
(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)
3. The snowstorm:
Dropped on every Washington
street, a
Load of Mother Nature's
excreta.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
4. 'Sarah Palin's palm
cheat-sheet steals her show'
In language not subtle or
guarded,
Democratic ideas she
discarded,
Tea Folk think she's da bomb,
But the notes on her palm
Make Ms. Palin seem sort of
Republican.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston)
Muses Fit to Print: Honorable mentions
-- 'A reporter faces the
naked truth about full-body airport scanners'
There's a sneaky new scanner
that's bad to the bone;
It detects hidden bombs in
your underwear zone.
But the ACLU's bid for
privacy won:
You can just have a
"pat-down" (Oh, won't that that be fun?)
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)
-- 'Saints win
Super Bowl for first time'
With its Super
Bowl triumph, New Orleans at last
Bids goodbye to
Katrina's ill winds of the past.
But it's odd that
two keys to the Saints' final push
Are a passer named
Brees and a runner named Bush.
(Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
-- Tim Carter's advice on
home repairs
A septic tank's no place to
stick your head;
The methane gas, alas, could
leave you dead.
So, non-professionals, don't
ever try
To clean one: It's a case of
doo or die.
(Beverley Sharp)
-- 'Another day, another
Prius recall report'
Prius supporters will credit
Toyota
For fixing those iffy-braked
units they've sold.
Eco-extremists will readily
note a
Reduced use of gas when
they're telephone-poled.
(Jeff Foster, San Francisco,
a First Offender)
-- Ad for Toviaz, an
overactive-bladder medication
If you know you gotta go
Even after you just went,
Our pill will amaze, and for
30 days
It won't cost you one red
cent.
The side effects are in the
text:
Constipation and some
blushing;
But you won't dribble, so
don't quibble,
And you'll save on all that
flushing.
(Rick Haynes, Potomac)
-- Reliable Source item
Alec Baldwin's such a jerk,
With his nasty little quirk:
Once again he's picked a bone
With his daughter on the
phone.
It made news, in bold italic:
He's a pretty dumb smart
Alec.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)
-- 'Tai Shan lands corporate
sponsorship from Chinese automaker'
Cuddly wuddily,
Tai Shan the panda bear
Flew off to China and
Pulled off a coup;
Corporate sponsors will
Capitalistically
Pay him six figures -- a
Lot of bamboo.
(Beverley Sharp)
-- ... and more snow
Hizzardy blizzardy,
Weather apocalypse
Crippled this town with a
One-two-three punch.
I've heard enough from my
Meteorologist.
Gone to St. Martin; I'll
Drink rum for lunch.
(Craig Dykstra, on vacation
in the West Indies)
Next Week: Titled Puerility, or Dork and
Cover
More funny poems on the news:
Style Invitational Week 855
By The Empress
Saturday, March 6, 2010;
More honorable mentions from
Week 855 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked for poems based on
stories or ads from a Washington Post of Feb. 6-15:
"With speech, Palin
bounds back on political stage"
Palin thinks we've had enough
Of all that
"hopey-changey stuff."
And to that, I'd like to
share a
Thought: We've had enough of
Sarah. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
"A reporter faces the
naked truth about full-body airport scanners"
Terahertz, schmerahertz
"Trustworthy" TSA
Peeks through your clothing
but
Not through your skin.
Scanners employing waves
Submillimetrical
See if your navel's an
Outie or in. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn)
"Saints win Super Bowl
for first time"
For days, it seemed,
"Snowpocalypse" was all the region talked about:
How fierce the winds, how
many inches fell.
We caught it bad, but bear in
mind the Saints just won the Super Bowl:
Imagine just how cold it's
gone in Hell! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
"Reaching New
Heights" (the world's tallest building)
Dubai's now a land of
elation,
With its new stratospheric
sensation.
Let's hope there's no urge
For using "The
Burj"
To demonstrate
defenestration. (Jim Deutsch, Washington)
"Super-size equipment
helps D.C. area EMTs move the obese"
And "Michelle Obama:
'Let's move' and work on childhood obesity problem"
"It's a national
crisis," the first lady cried,
"Eat well and be active
-- now go play outside.
"Else your health care
will suffer: You'll end up so wide
"That the medics will
say, 'That's why Johnny can't ride.' " (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
American Airlines ad offers
cheap fares to the Caribbean
American Airlines invites you
to go
To warm, sunny islands, while
fares are still low!
(This offer was not quite as good
as it sounded:
The airports were closed, and
the planes were all grounded.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
"Hastily bracing for
another icy punch"
To the tune of "Let It
Snow"
Oh, the weather outside is
frightful,
And we've had ourselves a
night full
Of watching fat snowflakes
plop --
Make it stop, make it stop,
make it stop.
The Pepco trucks cannot reach
us;
"Just be patient,"
they beseech us.
Our thermostat made a drop --
Make it stop, make it stop,
make it stop.
When we finally shovel free,
And we skid on the ice to get
bread,
As we pull into Safeway, we
Discover bare shelving
instead.
So we shiver and shake in
sorrow,
For we're getting more
tomorrow.
Our brains are about to pop;
Make it stop, make it stop,
make it stop! (Mae Scanlan)
"Less-than-stellar
remake 'We Are the World' debuts"
We oversing! We're overdoin'!
What Michael Jackson did with
subtlety
We're not pursuin'.
Some of us are faking,
We're using Auto-Tune;
It's true we don't have
perfect pitch
Or stay on key. (Jeff
Contompasis)